musings maybe

…

Losing someone isn’t something unfamiliar to me, but making calls, telling your family that someone passed away was something I never expected to do. It was difficult. It was heartbreaking. We lost a very important part of our family, and I do not know where I got the words to make some of the calls.

I do not know how to console my cousin; all I know is we have to be there for her. I don’t know how to answer her question if this was a dream because God knows how I wish this was just a nightmare. But it wasn’t, it is real, and I do not know how we could face it.

Soon after, all of our family were home – mom, dad, ninang’s family, ate rhea’s brother in law; Tita and ate jho were on the way from the province.

Everyone dropped whatever they were doing to be with ate Rhea.

It was love, but it was the melancholic kind of love.

…

It happened fast, and it happened during our graduation week. The moment that I waited for 5 years, but I am consumed will all sorts of emotions including grief and guilt.

I was consumed with guilt of coming back to elbi and celebrating the graduation week. It feels selfish to enjoy this moment when we are all grieving, but at the same time, I waited for this moment for 5 years, would it be selfish if I try to be in the moment?

I told them how guilty I felt, and even if ate told me it’s alright and she understands, a part of me still feels that it’s wrong. I tried to compartmentalize things by enjoying being in elbi, and allowing myself to grieve once I am back home.

They say happiness and grief can coexist, but why must it be this difficult?

On my graduation day, it finally got real. An announcement was posted regarding the wake that was held at their residence. I cried a lot not only for realizing that it’s real, our kuya is gone, but also by the nerves of graduating and leaving the university.

I had so many emotions that I know I needed to be with my friends that day, and I will forever be grateful for you guys. You know who you are.

…

I have some anecdotes to share, some that I remember as I look back our past conversations, alongside numerous group chats named: PUBG/Gamers or whatever gaming gc we created whenever we will be playing together with the cousins.

> Bonding na talaga naming maglaro ng PUBG or Mobile Legends, tapos kapag magkaka-kampi kami syempre siya nagbubuhat samin hehe. He would also often give tips on how to use the heroes na gamit namin ☹

> I also remember in one of my BIO classes during the pandemic , there’s an activity wherein we need to take a photo of an animal. Wala kaming pets at home so I messaged kuya Rotchel if pwede picturan yung rabbit nila 🥹 When he sent it to my email, iba-ibang angle pa yung pagka-picture niya 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 You can really see na nag-effort pa siya 🥹🥹

>My favorite would be noong nawalan ng kuryente sa bahay (tapos sila meron) and I’m the only adult at home with my younger sister. Literal na kakahiga ko palang biglang nawalan ng kuryente T_T so I slightly panicked which turned into overthinking what if there’s an unsub haha (kakanood ko talaga ito ng criminal minds T_T). I tried calling my parents but no one’s answering (It was midnight already), and among the people I’ve tried calling, it was only kuya rotchel who answered. Technically, he called back because he was not able to pick up my call. I talked to him over the phone while I check all the door locks at home – just to be sure that it is a normal electric interruption and not someone’s inside or sumn haha.

I was hesitant to call him pa nga, kasi wala rin si ate Rhea at that time sa kanila (nasa prov silang lahat haha); but I just thought, kuya ko na rin naman siya and I am forever grateful na he answered that call because that time was really one of the stressful eras for me (thesis era wahaha) so imagine why it was so easy to panic for me that time haha My emotions were gRrrRR T_T

The following day ay wala pa rin kuryente, so we stayed at their house muna and super alagang-alaga kami ni Meggie. Kulang na lang i-alok niya sa amin lahat ng laman ng ref nila, mapa-ulam snacks and all T_T Lagi talaga kaming busog pag bumibisita kami sa kanila haha 🥹 I remember even doing some of my thesis there, tapos si kuya Rotchel may nililinis ata sa garahe nila or sumn.

> The last time we had a get together was when both of you revealed baby’s biological sex. Of course there were guesses and debates what would be the sex, and my reasoning why I said it’s a girl? Because girl dad coded ka talaga especially with the way you have treated us so well !!

> Ang ingay-ingay din talaga niyan ni kuya Rotchel. Sobrang extroverted kilala niya ata lahat ng tao rito samin haha kahit nga sa province ay ang galing din talaga niya makisama. Best boi kuya rotch!!!

…

If you’re gonna ask me about love, my 13-year-old self would say I once saw it from ate Rhea and Kuya Rotchel since then, and it never faltered.

Their relationship is really one of those ideal ones. Enemies (not really haha?!? Love language lang ata talaga nila ang magbardagulan) to Friends to Lovers trope sila. We have seen how their relationship progressed and from the perspective of the teenage me turned adult(slight?) me, it was really something to admire.  

I remember taking videos during their pre-nuptial shoot because I want to gift them an edit of their videos on their 10^th year anniversary, only for those videos to be used for his wake…

On the day after their pre-nuptial shoot, kuya Rotchel messaged me afterwards saying thank you for being ate Rhea’s PA daw, when all I did was maid of honor duties. It was an “aww” moment for me, kasi for me, there’s no need to thank me because we are a family here!! But it still feel nice to be validated for those kinds of things 🙁

…

He’s really the greenest of all the green flags out there. He does everything for ate rhea haha down bad talaga sha for her. Sabi ko pa noong nanliligaw siya kay ate rhea “Ang korni naman nito” kasi nagsulat siya ng ‘I Love You’ using chalk sa harap ng bahay namin, tapos siya yung letter ‘I’ T______________T diba diba?!?!

There are so many stories during their relationships that will make you giddy but I’ll save those for baby girl’s bedtime stories :>>

I couldn’t exactly pinpoint when kuya Rotchel became a part of the family, but throughout the time that they were dating, he was really kind and nice to us—as if we’re his real sisters. Akala ko noong una, kinukuha niya lang loob namin’ magpipinsan pero the more you get to know him, he really has this genuine kind personality.

You will always be remembered as a wonderful son, an honorable senior, a generous friend, a kind kuya, a great husband to ate rhea, and soon to be girl dad.

You’re unfair but I guess that’s what your surname really entails haha…iykyk

We’re gonna miss you kuya, whatever emotions we are feeling right now is being experienced by ate much greater than we do. I hope you’ll continue guiding her and your baby girl.

I will always remember you whenever I go outside the house haha, I mean your house is just across our house?!? It was difficult to accept. It is difficult until now, and it will be more difficult in the future as we see your baby girl grow up; but you will always be a memory that will never be forgotten.

…

There is no exact way how I could encapsulate grief into words, because for me, it is a combination of all sorts of emotions happening all at a once, for a very long time.

I honestly thought I was over grief when I finally submitted my thesis on a random Friday. In which only a few people know how it was a testament of a grief that I have been carrying for years. Only for grief to come back and find me few months after.

Maybe grief really has its own way of finding you, especially when there’s so much love in you.

Because just as what they say, grief comes from love; and from that love stems the different kind of emotions it entails.

Sometimes, I can’t even question my own grief as it feels like something I should suffer from and get used to.

But whenver I think about it for others, it feels unfair that the nicest people out there must be consumed with grief that they do not deserve.

What about the lifetime ahead that they promised one another? Isn’t it unfair for someone’s lifetime to be shorter than the other half?

Why must they carry a cross for a lifetime?

I do not know the answer; and I don’t think I will ever find it.

…

Whenever I hang clothes outside after doing the laundry, I sometimes look towards their house and wonder what if our kuya’s still there. What if this was really just a dream? Is there a backspace to this kind of story written?

Reality begs to differ, but would it be wrong to wish differently?