This is quite personal.
September 2021
Hey,
I havenāt been writing here for like a year. Itās not that I forgot about this blog, but I wonder what should I write about? I recently started re-reading the things that I have written before, and it made me think that maybe I should write another one? So yeah, here it is.
The pandemic is already hard as it is.
I am in my Junior Year.
Life is a gamble.
Thinking about it, Iām already in my third year of the degree program that life has chosen me to gamble with.
I might get tired writing but when youāre tired, all it takes is enough rest to get you back on track again.
Itāll be better, I tell to my friend ā Itāll be better, I tell to myself.
February 2022
I again, decided to write for the blog ā my blog. While I was thinking of what to write, I scoured through my files and found this document, something that I have written in 2021 and it felt so different.
I wrote that during one of the days when I am in a pit, so dark and deep that I was struggling to get up. I tried using words to anchor myself up but as to what an anchor does, it keeps you from moving.
Clearly, I was only able to write some lines and called it a day.
It was so dark then that the black ink canāt even be seen, so I just stopped. There has been a period of time wherein I was not even able to write in my own diary, something that I consider as my prized possession.
Looking back, I think that I am in a better place now. For some reason, the way I slowly changed and removed the things that do not give spark to me anymore helped me in reassessing my choices in life. Itās not that Iāve given up on it, itās more of I would want to let things go their own course. I was so fixated in following a certain course of life that I sometimes forget that life doesnāt go the way you want it all the time.
Eventually, the life that was once seemed like a blur to me went by slowly.
I can now see how interesting life can be. That it must be traversed slowly. I kept on asking myself why am I running? I keep on running that I didnāt notice that I was only running away from myself.
.
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When I first reached my 20s, I had this feeling of āWtfudge, I am getting older. Why am I getting older?ā and then I start to panic. I plan almost everything that I want to do in life, I want to do this and do that, but after pondering about stuff and all, I realize, I am just 21. I am too young to think about all of these stuff. Iād rather enjoy my youth right now rather than stress myself about the things that are not within my control. I guess itās safe to say that Iām on carpe diem or c’est la vie mood nowadays.
I am genuinely enjoying what life has to offer at this moment.
Being in this state did not happen in an instant. It was not an overnight thing. It was a series of episodes, events, and years of struggling. I honestly know that this could only be again, one of the phases wherein I am in a good place, but Iād rather acknowledge it than shrug it off by thinking that it will go downhill again. Living in the moment is one of the greatest things I have learned and acknowledged for myself.
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I am still on my junior year, and I am also not graduating on the expected time. But who even defines being on time, but only you? You might think that Iām just saying this to make myself feel good but whatās there to feel bad? Iām honestly thankful that I have a supportive environment (it took some time and conversations to actually have THE support) that allows me to take things at my own pace.
This is my own pace, and I am contented with it. I am happy to go through it with grace and hopefully with an intact well-being.
In my 15 years or something that I have been studying, this is genuinely the first time that I can say that I enjoy what I am doing. I enjoy learning. I am interested in what I do and even if the courses are difficult, I get to say that I was able to at least pick up small things that bring spark and ignite this passion for learning.
I also understand that not everyone have the privilege of the things that I am experiencing right now. Even if I am somehow doing better, I always remind myself that there are people who are still struggling. May we use our privileges in uplifting other peopleās lives and maybe, even just by being that ray of hope for our friends and the people around us, that they too can have a little bit of sunshine whenever it pours.
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I know that there will be days when Iāll have pasta at nights, but I would still enjoy those moments waking up to sunshine.
Nevertheless, Iām just glad I was able to celebrate these small wins in life.
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I guess I have to end this now because Iāve been babbling a little too much haha.
I wrote this one as a reminder for myself that thereās nothing wrong with using a black ink in a dark place.
The ink works, you are just not in your best environment.
Cheers to the love that will soon arrive.
Cheers to the version of our self that we have yet to find.
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Cheers to myself, for I have found love in life.